THREE THINGS MY DAD SAID…

My father passed away in August 2019, at the age of 76.

Like any other Dad, he always gave me advice and said many things, that have had an indelible impact on my life. However, as is often the case, I realised the value of a lot of things he said only much later – and not at the time he gave me these pearls of wisdom. I guess it’s the exact same thing with our son too. I wonder how much of what I say makes sense, and how much of it he will remember.

That said, there were some things he said which made sense straightaway. I didn’t have to develop grey hair for the advice to land. I also find these to be helpful things to pass on, but don’t expect that everybody would agree with them. Off the top of my head, here are three of the things I remember.

1. Always carry more cash with you than necessary.

In the modern credit-card led, contactless world, is there any relevance for this, you may wonder. For a fair few decades, though, I found this advice incredibly valuable. Of course there used to be the odd scenario when you DO realise you need more cash at hand. Sometimes, for instance, the credit card doesn’t work, and so on and so forth. It’s quite likely that I would have managed, on those few occasions, without having the cash at hand. However, the real value of it for me was the mental peace it brought along. I remember thanking my Dad mentally when a restaurant apologised for the credit card machine not working. In the ‘cash only’ scenario that presented itself, I could bail a couple of friends out, thanks to his advice. I find that carrying cash is still useful when you find someone who is homeless or in need of help, or even when you want to leave a tip at the restaurant once the bill has been settled. However, the bigger and broader interpretation, which came to me only later, is to always be more prepared than necessary. I try. I’m comfortable being over-prepared, and terribly uneasy when it’s the opposite.

2. If you’re doing something 7-8 times out of 10, call yourself a regular.

Over the last 25 odd years, I must’ve started plenty of new habits. Some have stuck, some haven’t. However, one of the reasons that they have stuck is what my Dad told me about them. Often, we expect that we will attend every single yoga session, make the run or the walk every single time, and so on. However, my father used to have a more relaxed attitude about it. He felt that having stricter expectations of oneself, on any desirable habit, actually makes things worse, not better. I had once said to him, ‘I only went swimming 6 times in the last 10 days’. His reply was – ‘you could say you missed 4 and that you’re not regular. Or you could say that you’ve done 6, isn’t that better than zero?’ If you’re able to call yourself a ‘regular’ at something, even at a 70% hit rate, it stays with you, and you do behave as if you ARE a regular at it. This sage and simple piece of advice has helped me stay on course multiple times – whether it includes walking, badminton, or even eating better. I also love that he seems to have used the tried and tested technique of labelling – by labelling ourselves as a ‘regular’, we’re cementing the behaviours. Clever man.

3 .Never have a problem with people with a high opinion of themselves – only if they have a low opinion of others.

I didn’t really chat much with Dad about people. However, once in my late teens, I was having an argument with my elder sister about a common friend. I felt that this guy was way too arrogant, and that’s why I didn’t want to spend time with him. She felt I was avoiding him because I was jealous of him, which I didn’t want to admit to. The argument turned into a fight, and I stormed off to the terrace, just to sit by myself.

About 15 minutes later, my Dad showed up. Both my parents were short tempered, so I expected him to yell at me for how I had behaved. Instead, he was very calm, and said that walking away from an argument was indeed one way of dealing with it. It helped us get some space, and prevented things from getting even worse. However, that’s not what he came to talk to me about, he said. He asked me, ‘how do you know that ‘XXX’ is an arrogant guy?’ I couldn’t really come up with a convincing answer. That’s when he said these words to me. It made me think. There was nothing wrong with his behaviour. I was just jealous because he was better at cricket.

I can’t describe in words how much this has helped me. I’ve made dozens of friends since, who I would have ignored, had it not been for my Dad’s intervention. One of them is a particularly close friend – a musician I admire and respect more than any other I personally know. He has this swagger that could easily be mistaken for arrogance. But my Dad’s words prevented me from judging too soon, and boy have I benefitted from it. (You know who you are, if you’re reading this.) I’ve also benefitted from learning that people who accept their own strengths, and are comfortable with themselves, can actually be inspiring.

There are, of course, many more things he said, but realise I chose these three because I have also passed them on to our son. Much like me, he tended to agree with them straightaway. He may never need to carry cash with him, but he will benefit from being overprepared. He certainly benefits from the ‘regular’ label as a pianist, among other things. Even at the young age of 10, he benefits from not judging people too soon. I wonder if it’s because the advice is so universal, or because he will always listen to everything that is preceded with ‘my Dad used to say’? Given how dearly he loved his Grandpa, and how sad he feels about his passing, I doubt he’ll ever disagree with anything he said.

What are the three things that your Dad says, or said, that you still remember and implement?