Tag: personal-growth

As parents, we’re always trying to impart wisdom to our kids, teaching them valuable life lessons to help them navigate the world. Do this, don’t do this, and always providing the rationale behind what we’re saying, in the hope that they remember it and retain it.

This past Sunday, on the way back from swimming class, my wife Monica was in one such conversation in the car. Something she said in passing to our 13 year old Rohan caught my attention. It really stuck with me, and has left me pondering ever since.

She told him, “You know often, when we’re trying to explain something to you, you’re listening emotionally, trying to gauge the mood of the person, make peace, or achieve peace. But in doing so, you forget what’s actually being said. Try listening rationally instead. Just pay attention to the logic of what’s being said, and don’t apply any emotion to it.”

I immediately felt that was a gem. I couldn’t help but think that this applies to adults too, and not just kids. How often do we listen emotionally, rather than rationally? In other words, when we’re listening to someone, we’re subconsciously trying to manage the mood and nature of the interaction with the other person, trying to control how we want to come across in this interaction, and are being influenced by our emotional relationship with the person we’re interacting with. This could take many forms – see if you can relate to any.

• Responding cleverly: We’re too busy crafting our witty response to actually listen to the other person. It’s as if we’re drafting a tweet while we listen. Why is that? Because we want to have some kind of control over how we are perceived – that smacks of emotional listening, not rational listening.
• Giving advice: As seniors, we listen with the intention of offering guidance, rather than purely understanding the other person’s perspective. The bias is towards preparing to tell the other person what to do next, rather than understanding their world or what they’re saying.
• Appearing in control: When listening to our bosses or seniors, we’re more focused on appearing in control, rather than genuinely comprehending their message. Don’t rock the boat. The boss won’t like it if you don’t know the answer. Or sometimes it’s ‘pretend you’ve understood it, even if you haven’t.’ The emotion management department is running those conversations.
• Keep the peace: With our spouses, or colleagues, we sometimes listen to maintain harmony, rather than listening rationally and responding thoughtfully. Looking to avoid a war… for now. There’s other stuff to do in the day, avoid the conflict for now.

Of course, rational listening isn’t for every single situation. You have to listen emotionally sometimes. Sometimes you have to lean into how the other person is feeling, to empathise, and truly understand their world. But sometimes, especially in task oriented conversations, what if we took emotions out of the equation? What if we listened solely to the logic of what’s being said?

If I took Monica’s point further, I could see the following things happening:

• Better retention: We’d remember what’s being said more clearly, without emotional distractions. If the teenager remembers and understands WHY the house t-shirt or the set of cards has to be put in a specific place, he’s more likely to do it the next time, and then go ‘aha’! when he retrieves it successfully a week later, without needing to ask Mum.
• Rational challenges: We could challenge ideas based on logic, rather than emotions, leading to more constructive discussions. We’re often biased by WHO is saying the thing rather than WHAT is being said. We all do it. Sometimes it’s just not cool to agree with parents or your juniors, even if they have good ideas. But if we think about what was said purely on logic, and if we disagree, we can explain rationally why we wouldn’t do it this way. ‘No, I keep it out on my table and not in the drawer because I then remember to take it to school, it’s not a case of being messy.’ Aha, goes the mum, I get it now, all good!
• Ownership and commitment: By applying our rational brain, we’d make more informed decisions, taking ownership of our choices and commitments. You start doing something because YOU believe in it, not because somebody told you it has to be done this way. The choice is now yours, and that brings greater commitment.
• Control and calmness: When we listen rationally, the reaction ends up feeling more in control and calm, even in challenging situations. Think of it this way – often we’re a third party listening to a conversation between two people. You will, no doubt, have noticed that it’s easier to be objective and rational, and you’re able to see both sides. Why can’t we do it when we are ourselves the person involved?

As I reflect on my own listening habits, I realize that making a conscious effort to listen more rationally, to separate emotions from logic, is a worthwhile effort. If nothing else, as a parent, it helps me tremendously, not only when Rohan is speaking, but equally, perhaps, when I am telling him something.

I’m sure Rohan learnt from that Sunday car conversation, but once again, it’s the adults who end up learning. Who taught whom?

That was a gem, Missus!